Check out Carolyn See Locator of
Lost Persons --those short, very evocative, mysterious, and
poetic grafs. Try a few of those!
You were the eye doctor my mother was
having my sister and I go to. The nurse at the doctor office had
given us a white plastic thing to hold over one eye so that all I
could see was the white thing, and had to read letters on the
opposite wall. I did not fare so well naturally, and we went to you.
You seemed like a nice person, but tried to put eyedrop stuff in my
eyes. I have extremely sensitive eyes, and even though you kept
saying things like "It only stings a little!" I would cry
out each time from the pain, as it was the most painful thing I had
ever experienced second to hyperextending my pinky. He would also
push lights up to my eyes so that they were touching my eyelashes,
and blind me with them. And I didn't need glasses anyways, as I had
already known. Felicia had been the one who needed them, not me.
"You don't need them now, but soon
you will probably be like your sister. Come back next year."
We went to a different one the next
year, who did not stick things in my eyes or touch my eyelashes or
blind me, and who said that my eyesight was perfectly fine, but had
us get glasses just in case I ever wanted them.
You were sitting at the teacher's desk
when he came into our first math class. The teacher kindly informed
you that he needed to use that table, and that he needed to find
another place to plug his laptop in to. You seemed to have some sort
of disability, as you were constantly making jokes throughout the
class that were annoying the teacher. You did not return again.
You were playing on another baseball
team and pitching against us. I always felt bad for your team since
we always beat you by at least thirty runs with our best players
playing the minimum, and players pitching for the first time. I went
home on a passed ball and you fell down as you ran to cover the plate
while I was sliding in, and I accidentally cleated you in the neck. I
was safe, and the next time we played you pitched again, and threw 8
straight balls through my two at bats because you were mad at me and
throwing as hard as you could trying to strike me out. I played with
someone from your team later on the all star team for a couple of
years who I thought was you. Eventually, I apologized to him for
cleating him four years earlier, and he said that he was glad it
hadn't been him cleated in the neck.
This prompt is a charm--I don't think anyone has ever not done a fine job with it, which is not to say you don't deserve credit for...doing a fine job with it.
ReplyDeletePronouns in the student piece: was it teacher or student who needed a place to plug in a laptop? Should it be: "and you needed to find another place to plug..."?
Might drop last graf in the eyedoctor piece and gain a certain amount of focus and force.
How about this as an ending (endings are vital in vignettes) for the baseball piece: " who I thought was you, so eventually, I apologized to him for cleating you four years earlier." Leaving on an indeterminate but not confusing note is a hallmark of modernist writing.
Yes, that would probably work better. It should have been "you needed", instead of "he needed". I am a little behind on all of this, sorry.
ReplyDelete